How close is “too close,” Libra?i With firebrand Mars barreling through your sign from October 22 to December 9, your independent spirit is soaring. But this week, Mars gets a challenge from disruptor Uranus in your seventh house of partnerships.ii This could bring a loud wakeup call to any neglectful Libras out there.iii Relationships are like living entities; they require care and regular feeding in order to thrive—and also, consistency!iv A steady supporter may be feeling dizzy from trying to keep up with YOUR wild ride. You’re an exciting creature, Libra, there’s no doubt about it. But if you don’t tap the brakes, your peeps may hop off at the nearest exit.v Consider this your astrological alarm bell to remember what’s important in life—or should we say, WHO. Without the people who have your back, your victories would feel pretty empty.vi On the other side of the spectrum are Libras who have fallen prey to people pleasing. Don’t pretend you’re into zombie flicks when you’re actually the highbrow foreign film type. Faking it to avoid a “conflict” will inevitably dull your mojo. Better you should assert your autonomy than let an important connection stagnate due to inauthenticity.vii
Libra social butterflies, don’t panic!viii You aren’t being relegated to your cocoon. On Friday, December 1st, dazzling Venus swings into Sagittarius and your gregarious third house until December 25th.ix You and your favorite plus one could become the life of the holiday soiree scene.x Socializing together will strengthen your bond and create new memories. Plan some Lyft-chauffeured nights on the town where you take in high (and lowbrow) culture, and no one has to worry about being the designated driver.xi Still seeking the Comet to your Vixen? This is an auspicious time to light a few promising fires that could keep you warm all winter. The third house rules casual friendships and local happenings, so if you’re looking for love, you don’t have to right-swipe until your thumb gets numb. Become a regular at neighborhood haunts, and get to know your friends’ friends (and their friends).xii Someone from your own platonic-pal list may announce a long-standing crush—or vice versa.xiii
But this flirt alert also comes with a Code Orange blurt alert. From Sunday, December 3 until the 22nd, messenger Mercury flips retrograde, also in Sagittarius and your communication sector. This double-whammy could mess with your gift of gab and throw you off your social media game.xiv Before you post that thirst trap photo or sound off on a political issue, make sure you’ve really thought it through. (And even then, ask a friend who will be honest if she thinks it’s a bad idea.)xv If you have a writing or research project in the works, the next few weeks are an ideal time to work behind the scenes. The best use of this Mercury retrograde would be to enjoy some reunions with old friends.xvi Flip through your Facebook files. Somebody that you used to know (better) could be trekking down a similar path. Reconnect and see if your synergies might even lead to a more permanent partnership or collaboration.xvii
Sunday’s full moon in Gemini—the only one of 2017—illuminates your ninth house of travel, adventure and cross-cultural connections. The energy is electric and spontaneous, so be ready for anything!xviii An opportunity to jump on a plane could come out of the blue over the next two weeks, and if everything checks out with Mercury retrograde (reputable accommodations, time off work), pack your suitcase and go!xix Even if you’re not lounging in a hammock on the Mayan Riviera, you can have some titillating escapades closer to home. A weekend getaway, even just a one-day road trip, will do wonders to revive your soul. Or maybe commit to your winter vacay by making a down payment on a retreat that’s scheduled a few months from now.xx Creative ways to finance this trip might emerge all weekend, thanks to a lucky formation of Jupiter and Neptune in your money houses. Could a friend use help with her holiday side-hustle?xxi Hello, extra cash. Or, work the barter system. How about an apartment swap for New Year’s Eve or offering yourself up as a T.A. at a retreat your friend is leading in exchange for room and board? A little out-of-the-box thinking can bring an “impossible” dream to life.xxii
i Being close at all has proven too close. Leaving the house is too close. Breathing in the direction of another body, regardless of the entity supposedly inhabiting the vessel, has proven way too fucking close.
ii All partnerships, previous or potential, are now housed in the great tire fire of 2015.
iii Hey! An apology seems appropriate. When allowed a hole a body will seek out the nearest available hole and refuse to emerge even when tempted. This is relevant to the theories regarding proximity previously proposed. The current administration has allowed us to be hunted down while in this state.
iv Relationships are synonymous with the dying Ficus plants of the world.
v The pavement opens up their tissue for the taking and invading armies on the microbial scale.
vi This is a comical reference to the fact that everything is empty despite appearances. Yes, this includes you.
vii Asserting autonomy has the ability to, very rabidly, morph into the kind of reclusiveness which becomes the talk of the town or at least that of close family members if any are still alive and have your phone number. The dust gathers, in any event.
viii But, it has to be said, panic is what we do. We panic in the car and we panic at our desks and we panic in our beds and we panic inside of our dreams (dreams will be addressed in further detail later.) We panic in the streets and in the restaurants. We panic alone, one-on-one, and in the crowds of the Pentagon City Mall. The Scientific American knows nothing of our discord.
ix What if the cocoon is what we desire? What if the cocoon is our only desire???
x This presumes that there ever was a plus one or, rather, that there is a plus one. With this presumption we must take issue. There was, at one time, a plus one. Her name was Ellen and she is now dead inside of our mutual reality.
xi What is this bourgeois designated driver shit? I thought we were going to be taking in some lowbrow culture. Nothing says lowbrow like the technology on an $800 phone that summons another human being to do our bidding in exchange for capital.
xii This should be appreciated – the acknowledgment of the creation of a social space which at least appears to meet (or attempt to meet) social need. Still, we must remain suspicious of friends’ friends’ friends if we are to survive the night.
xiii Again with the goddamned presumptions, this presumes that we have pals, platonic or otherwise. And sure, there are a few platonic pals but the majority of long considered us to be in the same category as our Ellen: a nagging ghost, intangible and omnipresent. Again, an apology is probably in order, this time to Crystal whose sphere we’ve avoided because again the usage of doors gives way to a paralyzing proximity.
xivThis might be urging us not to mention our budding obsession Kathryn the vet-tech to any of our few remaining platonic pals. We will attempt to hold out on doing this not simply to obey but because we have a proven track record of mentioning possible future desired realities only to have them dissipate or, rather, never come to any kind of fruition only to then be tasked with explaining ourselves. Thankfully, however, we are without a social media game that could be thrown off by any of our actions. Having a social media game would be an example of being too close.
xv This should be the space in which the definition of a thirst trap photo is laid out for those who do not know but we do not know and so we cannot help or live up to any expectations you may’ve had.
xvi Here a conflict is presented. We have all but been stripped of our right to the cocoon and we are clinging to its thin walls, tallying the days with our toenails. And yet it seems we are expected to focus inward while simultaneously enjoying reunions? Typical Mercury in retrograde. Order us some pumpkin spiced lattes.
xviii If we are to be ready for anything, are we still supposed to order a car from Lyft? This is all very disorienting so Katy bar the door.
xix But now Katy has barred the door and we are not allowed to leave under any circumstance and the air may be contaminated with our thoughts.
xx Scheduled a few months from now? The prospect of a tomorrow is shaky on the best of days and rarely are we having the best of days.
xxi We do not enjoy having an original hustle and adding to our list of hustles sounds exhausting. We were, however, looking for permission, in any format, to cash out our 401k account so thanks!
xxii We hope you laughed as much as we did here. A retreat our friend is leading? Sure, ’cause everybody’s got that friend leading a retreat. Laugh, damn you, laugh in the face of it. As for the dreams, they are increasingly occupied by the lies we’ve told outside of the sheets.
Joseph Goosey lives in Southern Pines, North Carolina. A dropout of the MFA program at George Mason University, his work has appeared in WUSSY Mag and Cordite Poetry Review. He is the author of four chapbooks including STUPID ACHE published by Greybook Press.